I had a revelation the other day and I am still trying to incorporate it into my world. I have been stressing about things that I cannot control and not taking control of the things for which I can control. It is all backwards, and frankly, very counterproductive.
Counterproductive is a nice word and a PC way to put it really screws with a person’s mind, health and sanity. I should know better, however, I fell into the trap again: worrying about what might or could happen, the coulda, woulda and shouldas. It is part of the superwoman syndrome – thinking we can take care of everything for everyone – even if taking care of it is assuming the worrying part of someone else’s crap.
I’m quite mad at myself for stopping over on this little destination of crazy land. I have written blogs before about how important it is to focus on the things that you can control and not take on everyone else’s crap. I write today to say that I am not throwing stones, I truly know the importance of these things. However, I also truly know the battle it is to maintain focusing on the right things.
I am battling right now and as a person who likes to control the things she can, it is not a happy place in my world. I should be able to shrug things off and move on, but sometimes it is not so easy to do. That’s when you gotta get tough with yourself. Not only is it time to tell your friends some hard truths but it is time to tell yourself some, as well. I have three friends with three energy-sucking issues, and they are all things that I have no control over:
The friend who is still hung up on a guy that clearly, abundantly and absolutely has no interest in her to LET IT GO. No more analyzing comments he made to see if there is a double meaning – there isn’t – he’s not into you. Here’s a thought: if the jackass would rather be with a psycho-itch, then let him. Some people enjoy torture.
The self-destructive friend who keeps crying about the repercussions of bad decisions when he makes no efforts to correct his habits and life. Do the same thing get the same results and obviously you dig the results or you would change. No one is going to do it for you, it is all on you. If you don’t want to make the change than live with the consequences – in silence.
The sweet friend in a rough spot that is all about the helplessness: they do have a lot to offer but you cannot continue to offer suggestions and help if they refuse to take any steps to move forward. You know the friend that I mean, you introduce them to resources, provide research, websites, phone numbers – everything they need to take the steps to get what they want. But they stay helpless, looking to you pitifully for encouragement and support but can’t pick up the damn phone for themselves. Well, you have to put a stop to that. No more emotional support until they take actionable steps. Period.
I had to have this talk with my friends because not only are they sucking the life out of me – and it is my fault because I am assuming their crap – but I realized another reality: these are all one-way streets. None of them are offering to help me with my crap, none of them have the ability to even ask because they are so consumed with their own. Thankfully when I discussed it with them, they all understood. I was gentle but firm and told them that I love them and want to help, but right now I just can’t. I’m spent.
There is one person who asks about my crap, and then gives me a piece of her mind; my best friend Jackie. Between her and the talk I had with myself I got a kick in the arse, a well-deserved and long overdue kick. After that talk, I made my list – you know how I like my lists. Sixteen items for today, far six done, but the day is young; and if it takes well into the night to get it done, well so be it. Those little worker fairies are not going to show up. I think they are related to the laundry fairies and those little bastards NEVER show up at my house!
Put yourself first, if you are not healthy emotionally, mentally and physically you really aren’t worth a darn to yourself or anyone else. It may feel selfish, but it is necessary. You cannot give others what you do not possess yourself.
Lisa K. McDonald, CPRW
Career Polish, Inc.